Wanna Blow Something Up? Then Vote!

Sammy boyo

Fellow American, you and I are under attack -we are under the barrage of heavy artillery!!! The stovepipes pointed at us are comprised of wickedly devastating ordinance and armament. The rainmakers are launching apathy, laziness, and a false sense of security!!!

You are the only defense. You will need to pick up arms –you are needed at the front line. In 34 days the battle of Electionville will be over. Where will you be??? Your sons and your daughters are depending on you and in some cases I will be depending on your young ones for the combat ahead. In a week or so, those who have registered to fight will receive their weapons in the mail. Your vote is a bomb and together we can explode our current state legislature, our congress, and our senate to smithereens.

Not ready for the fight ahead?

The eligibility to fight is in your favor as long as you’re 18 on or before this great day of determination. For those who didn’t know it, our great civic brawl will be on November 6 and you can enlist in a variety of ways. You, your family and friends have until October 9 to visit www.vote.utah.gov and sign up to mail in your attack -I’m talking about the vote by mail option if I lost you.

If you drag your feet and the 9th comes and goes you can still link up with the rest of the platoon by registering at the same website by October 30. What’s that? You don’t know what the hell a website is? Well that doesn’t excuse you from exchanging blows, you’re in this melee and like it or not it’s time to throw down, so get in line if you call yourself American. A county clerk is waiting for you in person, find them here, call them tomorrow and get your patriotic ass ready to charge!

What’s that? You’ve been in the clink for violating a federal crime? Well if you’re out hopefully it means you learned your lesson, but it also means something else. Guess what ex-con? Your voting rights are restored in Utah and it’s time to take advantage of all that freedom you lost while paying your debt to society -consider yourself conscripted in this Union endeavor!!!

Now let’s say for all intents and purposes that you’re a complete and total jackass… and did nothing I asked above. You wake up feeling sorry for yourself because all your buddies joined up while you picked your belly button, there’s still redemption presented to you. You can still be part of the snake. On November 6 -the biggest day of protest- you’ll be able to scoot your procrastinating meat sack to a polling place and get two things done: register and vote.

Here’s the thing, if you’re an American citizen, if you’ve lived in Utah for 30 days prior to election day, if you’re 18 years of age, if you’re not in jail, if you haven’t been convicted of treason, and you’re mentally competent you have no reason to not partake in this great American riot.

Without drowning out all the poor excuses of metaphor I’ve peppered this sorry post with, I’ll leave you with two things. The first is funny. Mark Twain did in fact say, “Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.” The second isn’t funny at all. Women at one point couldn’t vote. Susan B. Anthony was arrested for “illegally” voting. Black people in the United States faced violence and suppression simply because they wanted a democratic voice.

I won’t guilt you and tell you that you owe an obscure and distant historical figure something and that you have to vote. But you owe it to yourself and your family, especially your young children who don’t have a voice in the matter because they’re not eligible to participate.

Join or Die.

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